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Monday, November 24, 2008

if i were to write intimately and deeply and you were to read

Lately, or recently, as it were I've wanted to get my writing to a new level. I'm serious about a book, a K book. I cannot say more, here. My life seems to gently press me towards where i want to be and then trip me up with a current or a wave that drags me miles and miles away. Even if that is not true, its a tale i tell.
I could use a stiff drink. Except i don't love stiff drinks ever as much as the notion of them. I love the thought of me digging the drink. The actual drink is always just okay. Except Chivas Regal. Straight up. Soda chaser.
Tomorrow i'm going to try to swim. For someone who loves to swim, it takes me forever to get to the pool. Its been very fucking cold here however. very very winter. which is surprising these days. to have winter weather in the winter season. but fortunately this thanksgiving week its back to nearly fifty degrees. hmmmmm. i do have this horrid cough. i wonder how the swim will affect it.
My love life is so wonderfully mine. So uniquely empty and full and empty and overflowing and empty and hopped up. I came out of a three year relationship. perhaps it would be more accurate to use another time period, but that one suits me for this relationship i just came out of about seven months ago. i was going to marry her. i invited my friends and family. it was all on and monogomous and eternal. then it was over. obviously we will have to revisit this. it can't just be so simple. can it? well i did fall in love. madly. and she asked me to be her one and only. and when i said yes and thought, ''wow, i mean it," i asked her to marry me.
Me, marry.
Well, you'll know why those two words deserve their own paragraph by and by if you continue reading. Her name was Beverly and she was beautiful and so loving and massaged my poor feet every day at times. i made her very happy and got a lot of satisfaction from that for some time. my polyamourous self sat in amazement and gazed at the transformation. Not once did i ''cheat.'' nor even consider it. there were some attractions. i let them slide. I called bevbev on the phone one day in the summer as i drove into a nearby town and told her that i was the happiest i had been in my life. "if i died on this road today you could tell everyone i died happy."
Then it all stopped. For a split second the wind that had been whipping my hair and the water in the river seemed to halt. the cars on the road seemed still. my brain seemed to go into accident mode. like when i was 9 years old and rode my bike into a moving car as i channelled Evil Kanevil down Hollenback Road. The world froze and time stretched. For a split second I felt a movement profound and subtle in me. Then everything was on again. I got back in the car, still happy. Still elated and pleased.
Then why do I remember this moment now as when I stopped. When it all began to feel like a lie.
My polyamourous self smiled softly and winked. Perhaps. I don't know.
Freedom to and freedom from and freedom for and if not all then none.
Dick Cheney and Gonzalez have been indicted in a Texas court. Texas! why texas?
I'll end here now.